Putting it into words...

I mentioned that I had been having a hard time with the band, admitted that I am indeed an emotional eater and discussed thinking that the difficulties lately were probably around the fact that I was feeling better about how I felt, how I looked, etc. so working as hard didn't seem as necessary.


First, I should say that I'm back on track. I've lost three pounds this week as of this morning. Drinking tons of water and counting calories. Still need to get on the exercise train! So, I was talking to a friend today about why it seemed much harder lately. Let's see if I can explain it here. I have this amazing tool called a lapband and it helped me take off a ton of weight in a short amount of time which was FANTASTIC! And while I would like to think if I had to have it removed tomorrow I would have at least trained my mind to what the "right" portion sizes are, and modified my behavior somewhat, the reality is that it would still be really hard to keep my weight in check without this amazing tool immediately slashing my portions in half.


I'm at the point (about 10 pounds to goal) where I want to be able to go on a date, go out to brunch, attend an 8:30am breakfast meeting with a big wig from the Head office, without wondering if I'll need to leave the table to slime, or explain why I've visited the loo multiple times, or suddenly begin to talk with an extra gurgle in my throat.


So the desire to eat "normally" + feeling so good about where I am + not having a fully trained non-emotional eating brain = making it a little bit tougher when the band isn't working on all cylinders.


So, then the discussion begins (you know in my head - not out loud, that would just look weird...). To fill or not to fill? As an aside, I have an appointment scheduled for the week before Thanksgiving. I had an unfill prior to Chicago, which is where I started to make bad choices, eat larger portions, etc. They took out .2. I went back three weeks later and had .2 put back in, to quickly have .05 removed because swallowing water - while it could be done - still didn't feel entirely great. I've found that my band is getting tighter this week which is good, so I'm leaning towards better restriction. Last week I was able to eat pasta, not so sure I'd be able to do eat much of it tonight. Mostly I needed to get my head back in the game. I still want to get to goal. Goal is 10 pounds from where I am. I have more work to do. The question becomes, do I need to get there tomorrow, or am I willing for it to be slower? That dictates whether I need to count my calories as strictly, drink less wine on the weekends (oh who am I kidding, during the week), staying away from chocolate - p.s. haven't had a piece since Sunday.


I know this conversation seems all over the place, but honestly that is where I am right now. I'd really like to get to goal 165 by my birthday December 22nd. I think that I can eat "normally", making smart choices, exercising, still enjoying myself and still make it happen. In fact, I'm confident that I can. So that's the plan. I'll keep the fill, but if restricted like I am tonight, probably won't need it. I really do have an 8:30 breakfast meeting coming up with a big wig. I haven't been able to legitimately eat food in the morning since my second fill - nearly 9 months ago. But I can fake it with hot coffee, and yogurt. 


So that's where I am. Confused, but in a good place. A significantly better place than my last post, because I feel like I'm on the right track and have a plan. 


Two more things and then this post will finally end (for those of you that have stuck with me!):


1 - SK emailed (after I emailed him a very mature kick in the ass). He sent me an incredibly well thought out email explaining that he was an absolute jerk and the reason was that he's worried about getting into another long distance relationship. His ex-fiancee ended their relationship, very close to the wedding, and blamed distance as the reason. While you and I know that likely wasn't the reason, it's the baggage he carries. We're supposed to talk tonight as he is rightly concerned that he hurt me, was a big jerk and that he's potentially ruined the friendship (Remember folks, we're talking 20 year friendship). I'm absolutely going to forgive him for the friendship, but am not willing to be in a relationship with anyone who is having cold feet before we've had our first weekend together. Nope. Not me.


2 - I threw together a crock pot meal this morning. Seriously screwed things up but was able to save it, and it's amazing. Thought I'd share.


1 bottle Kraft Thick and Spicy bbq sauce (this is where I screwed up, wouldn't have been enough moisture for my crock pot so...I added 1/2 of the bottle refilled with water to the pot
3 chicken breasts
1 yellow onion cut into rings
1 tbl garlic
1 can black beans (rinsed)
cooked on low for 8 hours


I added the beans completely as a last minute choice because I was concerned that the added water would just make it chicken soup. This concoction of mine = YUMMY! It's like a chili almost. The chicken shreds and the combo of the beans, bbq sauce and chicken is just so yummy. Excellent comfort food as I feel like I'm coming down with something = BOO!